Part of what I'm exploring here on my little ol' blog is my creative process. My absence from blogging is worth exploring because it is indicative of an aspect of my creative way of being but I will write about that later. This time I just want to remind myself of my typical reaction to auditions. I'm not sure that at the age of 48 I can retrain myself but I certainly can and do recognize the pattern.
I rarely feel "nervous" about auditions. Instead what I feel is a sort of free floating dread and anxiety. No matter how good I feel prior, at about 30-24 hours before the audition I begin to feel hopeless. It's not just that I think I can't do the audition, I start to think that EVERYTHING I've ever done or will do is pointless and/or a failure. I feel what is akin to the deepest chemical depressions through which I've journeyed. I also begin to feel sick. I develop flu-like symptoms and frequently run a fever. Many times I'm unable to sleep at night, again, not because I feel nervous but because I feel sick or in pain. At the time I am going through all of this it seems enough to justify my never performing again. I could say, "If it's this much agony, then maybe it's your body telling you that you shouldn't be doing this." But, I also know that if I tough it out and just go to the audition, I will be fine. I ALWAYS find that burst of joy and adrenaline during the audition and even if I still feel unwell after the audition, I know that will dissipate within about 24 hours.
I've tried to re-train my mind, and actually, I DO think of auditions as opportunities and once I'm there, I enjoy them. But, my body has it's own way of responding. It's almost as if my body knows I must wrestle the demons out before I can effectively approach the creative fires of the audition process. I've learned to just acknowledge what is happening, to pamper myself a little but to just keep moving forward despite what I feel.