Tap Into Your Infinite Interconnectedness with Liz Filios

Meet my friend Liz Filios. Liz Filios has worked in India, South Africa, and Italy, but now calls Philadelphia home. Liz was seen recently in The Arden Theatre’s productions of Sunday in the Park With George, and Candide as Cunegonde. Critics called her performance “dazzling,” “a phenomenon” and touted the newcomer’s talents – which include “a gleaming high soprano voice, and a sense of humor.” Liz has also performed for Philadelphia audiences at The Wilma Theater (Eurydice, The Life of Galileo), The New Candlelight Theater (Lend Me a Tenor, Hello Dolly! ), and The Walnut Street Theatre (Les Miserables). She holds a B.F.A. in Musical Theatre from the University of Michigan and has performed as a vocalist with The Philadelphia Orchestra, the International Opera Theater and the Cape Town Opera Company. She is currently nominated for both a Perry Award and a Barrymore Award.

Liz and I met at La Citadelle in Philadelphia to catch up with each other and conduct the interview before she headed off to India for a friend's wedding. It had been so long since we had seen each other that I found we were discussing issues I wanted to address before I'd even had a chance to open my notebook or turn on my recorder.

ME: OK, I'm ready now. You were talking about being cracked wide open - the deconstruction that occurs before construction.

LIZ: Yes, well, sometimes you choose consciously to make sacrifices for your art and then other times you don't have any choice. You can try to make sense of it in retrospect. You can say to yourself, "Well, this wouldn't have been possible had I not lost this or given up that." That can be of some comfort but there is an arbitrariness to it all that is inherent, especially if you're in the arts, and you have to just learn how to enjoy the ride. Otherwise it can drive you nuts.

As I get older, I've been trying to look at all of this with new eyes. Yes, I might be making this many dollars but what is my quality of life? You don't just get paid in fiscal currency, you get paid in artistic currency as well.

Of course, in order to do this you do often have to break things down in order to build them back up again. Destruction is a necessary part of creation and you can take pleasure in knocking down the blocks. Learn to not get too attached to one temporary thing but appreciate its transience. That makes it easier to let go and easier to start again.

ME: I know actors often find themselves between jobs. What do you do to stay inspired when you're not technically employed.

LIZ: Oh my gosh!! I am a workaholic! I will find something to do!! I can't sit still. I would just go crazy. There are classes to take, there's a turn-out to work on, there's a high note that needs refining, there's an acting technique to explore, there's a teacher out there from whom I can learn. To me, it's getting back to the real part of my career, the honing of the craft and working on the weaknesses. Getting the job is the fun part. The real works comes when you're free to study. In Philly, I've taken classes with Antonio Fava, in commedia dell'arte, I've taken classes with the Philadelphia School of Circus Arts. I tend toward the physical classes because I think one of my main faults is that when I get into a show I get so buried in the material and the text that I become disconnected from my body. I get so much in my head that I start to censor myself. I find that taking classes that reconnect me with my body helps to generate new ideas. For instance, I took a class with Steve Pacek when I was between shows in February and March of this year. I knew Steve because I'd seen his work and he is brilliant! I love watching performers and not necessarily dissecting their work but asking myself what it is that makes them great. So, when I heard Steve was teaching a class, I said, "I'm there." It turned out his class was full but I wrote to him anyway. I said, "I've seen you in this and this and these are the reasons why this class is really important to me." That got me in. We did a lot of work on Viewpoints and Laban. Steve would have us perform our songs, choose two Laban "effort shapes" and try to do the movements without focusing on anything but the movement. Suddenly, things would just pop out of me. When I think about vocal pedagogy I am stuck in academia, but when I think about "slashing" suddenly this incredible high note will soar out with out having to "pass GO and collect $200," if you know what I mean. It was really crucial work for me and I wouldn't have been able to do it if I'd been in a show.

Now, some shows kick you in the butt and force you to learn. When I was cast as the Narrator in Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat I said, "I can't do this. I can't sing this." I was more scared of it than I was of Cunegonde because it was belting. Musical Theatre can be very dogmatic, things must be done the way they were done before. If you do A Chorus Line, you'd better do the original choreography! The role of Narrator is one of those things. I'd just come back from working on the cruise ship and had all this money saved up. I blew it all on about ten different teachers trying to figure out the secret to belting. At the end of this journey I was working with one teacher having finally mastered my belting technique and I was singing away. She said, "Now can you do that in your head voice?" I said, "Why would I want to do THAT??" She said, "Just try it for me." So I did and then she said, "WHY would you ever want to do anything else?" So, after all those hundreds of dollars and voice lessons, the most valuable thing I learned was - I can just be me.

(The Narrator, by the way, is the role for which she received her Barrymore nomination)

ME: Speaking of teaching, I know you've been doing some of that yourself.

LIZ: Yes, teaching is another thing about which I’ve become very passionate. At the same time I was taking Steve Pacek’s class, I was working for Maureen Mullin at the Arden doing an outreach program called Arden for All which correlates to their children‘s programming. They train theatre artists and send them out to public schools. We teach the text and a little bit about the play and they get to see the play for free. The idea is play, have fun and learn about the play but really you’re teaching them grammar and the basic building blocks of story and writing. It was great to get those nuts and bolts in but sometimes the lessons were so oriented toward meeting the requirements it sucked the fun out of it. So, I tweaked the lessons a bit. Then a month later someone from the Montgomery Theatre called and said they had a pilot program and needed a couple of teaching artists who could come help them build it from the ground up. So, Maureen said, “Well, I have this one person who was really ballsy and changed my lessons plans, maybe she thinks she knows what she’s doing.” So, they brought me on for this project and it was huge! I partnered with four teachers from High Schools in Souderton. Two of them were English teachers, one of them was a Chemistry teacher and one of them was a Trigonometry teacher. We brought theatre into the classroom and made learning fun. I enjoyed it as much as performing because I got to use other parts of my brain.

ME: That sounds so interesting. Can you tell me a little about one of the programs you did. How about the English class?

LIZ: They were studying The Great Gatsby and we created this one idea that was based on Facebook because social networking is such an important part of the story and the kids have this framework built in ready to access. They understand what social networking is now in a way that when I was studying The Great Gatsby we never would have been able to fathom. Facebook was blocked for the school but we used a similar program that allowed us to create profiles for the characters in the book. They were then able to make “friends” and send private messages and public messages to each other. So, the students got to see the whole social interaction and the intricacies of how the characters related to each other. Even the kids who initially treated it as a joke were in character!! It was awesome!!

We also did a section on jazz. F. Scott Fitzgerald called himself a writer of the jazz age. So, I brought in a bunch of jazz recordings. I also introduced the students to several musical terms such as scat, syncopation, and chromaticism and helped them make their own links to the literary parallels.

I found it all just as inspiring as working on a character on play, maybe even more so because of the ripple effect. I also have such respect for teachers who do this year round. I enjoy being the breath of fresh air that can come into the classroom.

ME: Do you have any other creative outlets? I mean besides teaching, acting, singing, dancing and trapeze work?

LIZ: Yes, I kind of discovered it by accident. I started writing music last year while I was working on a cruise ship. The discrepancies between my living conditions as a performer and those of the other staff angered me. After weeks of seeing the injustices toward them I got so mad I had to write something. I didn’t sit down one day and think, “Now I’m going to be a composer.” It was more like working out my frustration on the piano. Some people punch pillows, I pounded on the piano keys. Then, words surfaced and suddenly there was a song. It may not be a great song but it was an outlet. I found that after I’d plugged into this I could express other things. Then I started playing my songs for people and I would see their reactions. It was such a simple yet profound experience to be able to sing about my heartbreak and then suddenly theirs would come to the surface and they would tell me how they thought the song was about their family or their loved one. I kept writing because I wanted to help other people. I didn’t want to make money or even make a recording or have my songs published . I just wanted that experience of being able to sit down in a little room at a piano with a few of your friends and say something you don’t have to courage to say outright. You can say it in a song and it’s OK and they can listen to the song and cry and it’s OK.

It’s so cheesy but I was reading Eat Pray Love on the ship and there’s this part that talks about how some of the major religions of the world explain human suffering. The way that Elizabeth Gilbert explained it was, Christians believe human suffering comes from original sin. Buddhists believe it comes from desire and if you can let go of your desire you won’t suffer - as much. Then there are the Hindus who believe (I just love this) it’s just a case of mistaken identity. We suffer because we believe we are individuals and we think we are these lonely, isolated organisms that are totally alone in the universe and that our suffering is our own private burden. Whereas, if we knew that we aren’t alone, that we are a part of this huge fabric of infinite interconnectedness then our suffering wouldn’t be so great. We would realize that everyone has the same experiences. When I play my songs for other people I can see that web, I can see my connection to every other person in that room so clearly.

ME: Do you feel any difference between using your words as opposed to singing words someone else has written?

LIZ: Yes, but I sort of cross the wires. I find it can be a really successful mad scientist experiment when I’m singing someone else’s words to try to make them my own. Whereas when I’m writing my own material instead of making it about me, me, me, sometimes it’s easier to zoom out and write about something I know nothing about. It’s like throwing out a larger net, then you reel it in and say, “Ok, this works, this works and this I obviously know nothing about.”
ME: I’m also wondering about the two mediums from a very raw, creative output standpoint. In theatre we have many other people’s input, the director tells you this, the choreographer tells you this, the vocal director tells you that whereas when you write a song it’s much more direct.

LIZ: There is a joy in my personal creative projects but there's also an aspect that’s truly terrifying because it’s just you and it’s your fault either way. I’m coming back to Elizabeth Gilbert. Have you heard her Ted Talk about Creativity?

ME: Yes (you can find it here)

LIZ: She says that genius was considered to be this separate entity that comes to you and inspiration comes through that. So, if it was good you couldn’t take all the credit necessarily and likewise if it was bad you did have to take all the blame. I think when I’m creating something, the most important thing for me is patience. I want it to be right the first time but it doesn’t have to be and that’s why it’s called the creative process. It’s frustrating but that’s also the beauty of it. When things are born in nature normally they don’t happen over night. Sometimes it takes days, or weeks, or months or even years.

There’s story of the acorn and the oak tree and how the acorn has this force pushing it up out of the ground. But, there’s also there’s another invisible force which is the actual oak tree itself projected in the future that is pulling it up and saying , “Come on, you can get there, you can reach it.” I think that works for artists as well. You can say, “OK, I’m only this far off the ground at the moment but it’s exciting to know that there’s still space to grow.” If I hit the ceiling every single time I sat down to create something, I’d be bored. It can be hard because it entails a lot of failure along the way.

I have friend who is a director in town and she said, “Why do we do it? It’s embarrassing. Why do we choose to do something in life where we constantly fail?” We try and try and maybe one of these projects that we try over all of these years might succeed.

ME: (laughing) and it’s all public and they write about it in newspapers…

LIZ: I know and we do it over and over!! I guess we’re oblivious to that. We don’t care how many times we fail. We keep trying and you have to treat success and failure as

TOGETHER: impostors. (we’re remembering an earlier point in the conversation when Liz mentioned that her Dad introduced her to Rudyard Kipling’s poem, IF and how it has been some of the best advice she’s received.)

LIZ: It’s not about quantifying it. It might be kind of impossible to take the pressure off of yourself when you first sit down to the blank canvas to say, “It doesn’t matter if I succeed or fail because they’re both illusions and it doesn’t matter if I finish it today or twenty years from now," because we do carry all of these social pressures with us when we sit down to create. But, I know when I’m most connected to my inner child I’m not thinking about judgement, I’m just expressing myself. So, maybe that’s selfish but it’s important to be selfish sometimes.

ME: Well, perhaps the initial impulse may be to just to get the thing out on to the piece of paper but then comes the part where you share it and I think that goes back to what you were saying earlier about being interconnected and that’s why we share our stories.

LIZ: and that’s selfless because there’s that gap you have to bridge and the choices you have to make to share and that takes a lot of courage. So, it’s no longer about you.

ME: Since we're talking about courage, how do you approach auditions? So many of my students find them terrifying. How do you frame them for yourself?

LIZ: I try not to want it too badly. I tend to sabotage myself the more I think, "I need this job" or "I would be perfect for this role" or "I hope this person doesn't show up for this." Those kind of thoughts are completely useless and I've left most of them behind. If I find myself wanting a part I will try to tell somebody else about it. It's sort of like audition karma! If I tell my friends who are also my competition, it takes the pressure off of me and I can't want it as badly now. So, spread the love! And remember that the real audition happens after you get the job. You don't get jobs from auditioning as much as you get jobs from jobs. If you're lucky enough to get a good gig just do your job and be on your best behavior and pour yourself into it - all your energy, all your eagerness, all your creativity and that will get you ten times more jobs than one audition will. So, when you audition just use the talents you've been given in the best way you can. Share. Go in and say "here" and a little bit of that invisible fabric will appear if you do your job right - and that's all you wanted in the first place.

The Ripple Effect of Jenny P

Meet my friend, Jennifer Pilong - singer/songwriter, actress/playwright. When I decided to venture into this interview experiment Jenny was the first person who came to mind. In fact, the person and the idea basically came together. Now, I know MANY talented and creative people but Jenny seems to be dedicated to the creative process itself. As she says, "I have a real fifth chakra thing going on!" She has her hands deeply in so many mediums I was curious to know how she balances it all.

I first met Jenny in her incarnation as an actress. She is a card carrying Equity member who has been performing professionally since she was 17 years old and whose theatre credits are too numerous to mention here. Just believe me when I tell you she's a powerful and organic performer.

On the other side of the stage Jenny has musically directed some theme park shows, written a Christmas show which was performed at the Scottish Rite Theatre in Collingswood, NJ and Snug Harbor, NY. She also co-wrote the musical Fruitflies which was part of the Philly Fringe Festival and PGLTF. Most recently she wrote Ripples, a beautiful play about how the ripples we create can make a huge difference. Ripples had a reading at the Walnut Street Theatre this spring and after a few revisions, Jenny is now in the process of submitting it to other theatres and festivals.

Jenny-the-singer is also very busy. Jenny and her song writing partner, Stephen Kocher, make up the singer/songwriter duo, Jenny & Me. They are, as she says, "two happy kids with a penchant for sad songs." She also lends her powerful voice to Hotsy Totsy, "a three gal band that sings killer three part harmony in a style reminiscent of the Andrew Sisters."

As if all that isn't enough, Jenny also designs jewelry, paints, is a "bonafide fancer (that's a fake dancer)" and has recently started the lovely blog, Tiny Stone Big Ripples.

Jenny and I met for coffee last week and had a wonderful conversation. Here's some of what we covered :

Me: Jenny, you are involved in so many creative endeavors. Is there one that you consider your main discipline or are they all equal in your mind?

JP: I think they're starting to become equal. In the beginning, it was singing that I felt most comfortable with but then I got to AMDA (the American Musical and Dramatic Academy) and I realized that it doesn't matter if there's nothing behind the voice. One of my teachers said, "It's nice but it's vanilla pudding." At first I thought, "What do you mean, I just hit a high b-flat!!!" But after my initial impulse I immediately got it. I started putting the intention into my singing and that led naturally to the acting.

I've also always written but never with any discipline or intention until I became an adult.

Me: That leads me to another one of my questions. Did any of your talents come as a surprise to you?

JP: No. I was always drawn to anything creative. If we would have had more fat cabbage when I was growing up I would have taken any kind of dance class, painting class, ANY kind of artistic class I could get my hands on.

Me: Do you ever feel that because you are involved in so many different areas that one suffers while you concentrate on another.

JP: I used to. I always used to say, "If I'd just focus on one of them I could probably be really successful at it." And so, I had to make some decisions. I closed my on-line jewelry shop and sold off my inventory because I decided that the jewelry was just going to be for fun and just for me. I had to decide what I really wanted to make a living doing and I really want to make a living with something like Ripples. I want to write plays that make an impact and be an actress/singer. The acting/singing/writing all seems to work together for me.

Me: Has the fact that you've decided that some endeavors are for fun and some are how you make your living changed your approach to any of them?

JP: No, not really because I still love them all!! I guess the singing/writing/acting thing is just what resonates most strongly for me. I have a real fifth chakra thing going on. There's something about putting forth my truth...!!

Me: Is your creative process the same for everything? For instance when you're working on your jewelry, do you sit down and just start stringing beads together?

JP: Yes!

Me: And when you write, do you just sit down and start stringing words together?

JP: Yes!

Me: So, it's basically the same process?

JP: Kinda. For instance with Ripples, about ten years ago I said, "I want to write this show and I think it's going to be about 'this'." But, I didn't have the focus then. I wrote out the concept, some character sketches and a couple of scenes but that was it. I didn't touch it again until, well, just last year. But, when I started working on it again I scrapped just about everything except the core of the original concept and most of the characters. Then, I just started writing. I write long hand which helps free things up for me. I have this thing about how my writing can't be seen until it's perfect. (Laughing) I'm working on that! But, there's something about the long hand that frees you from that because who's going to read my chicken scratch. I can barely read it. So, I can write and even if I think, "this is crap" who cares because by the time I get it to the keyboard it's going to change.

Me: You mentioned that when this concept initially came to you, you were younger and didn't have the discipline needed to finish it. Did you have to deliberately create a writing routine for yourself?

JP: Well, I started again last summer... and the Phillies games came on at 7:00pm...so, I would make myself sit down at 4:00pm and say, "You don't have to write the whole time but you don't have the Phillies until 7:00...! So, I'd put on Annie Lennox or something cool and relaxing and I'd just write. Sometimes it was godawful hard, like extracting a tooth and sometimes it was easy. I also gave myself deadlines like, "I want Act 1 finished by here, the edits done by here. I find I work better that way even if they are self imposed deadlines. Otherwise...

Me: You may not bring the project to fruition?

JP: Right.

Me: So, now Ripples is in a transition phase, recently re-edited and ready to submit. How do you flow to the next project? Does something catch your eye, do projects seem to just come into your life or do you deliberately say, "Basta, I'm done with this" and then seek out something new?

JP: All of the above. For instance Sadie (Jenny's six year old friend) was over the other day. She was sitting at the piano and she was singing and making up songs. She looked up at me and said, "It's better if you close your eyes." She had no worry about whether anyone would think it was stupid. She was just in it! The whole day was like that. The next day I wrote a song.

(the song, by the way, is Circles which is wonderful and which you can listen to here)

ME: Do you ever get stuck?

JP: Yes.

Me: How do you get unstuck?

JP: I find that spiders show up in the house when I'm stuck or when I need to get moving on something. Or, I'll dream about spiders, which are about creation and weaving. So, when the spiders start showing up I know it's time to get moving. I also write everyday but it's just writing...

Me: Like what Julia Cameron would call "Morning Pages?"

JP: Yes, just free flowing to get all the crap out. Sometimes, I walk or meditate or have a six year old over.

Me: What feeds you creatively?

JP: Louie, Louie and I together..

Me: Yes!

JP: We are pretty much always in collaboration.

Me: Are you good about taking care of yourself when you're really immersed in a project?

JP: I'm better. I'm starting to recognize that those little things can get me stuck if I don't take care of them. I can't work until the checkbook is balanced or the apartment is clean but again - Louie! If I'm really immersed in a project then he's got those things covered and he brings me sandwiches. And vice versa, I do it for him.

Me: OK, this question is mostly just for me because we both operate in the world differently than most people. Our schedules are much different than those of the rest of the world. I find I need to follow my natural rhythm, in fact, if I don't it can be one of the things that blocks me.

JP: (agreeing) YES!

Me: And, it seems to me that you're totally OK with the way your rhythm falls.

JP: Yes!

Me: So, if you get up at 2:00 in the afternoon, you're OK with that?

JP: Yeah! Louie says, "Don't TELL people that" and I say, "Why not, it's AWESOME!!" But, I've been this way all my life.

ME: Me,too, but I always feel guilty. Everyday I get up and say, "OK, tonight I'm going to bed early and I'm going to get up early."

JP: I have NEVER felt guilty. I've never felt I have to be a certain way. I think it's easier to just go with the flow and adjust as you need to.

Me: Are there any other ways that you have to adapt because the world works one way and you function differently?

JP: Well, it sucks that things close just when I'm ready to start something!

Me: What's next for you?

JP: Well. I'd like to do a full recording of Jenny & Me, I've been hitting the audition scene again and I'm getting ready to submit Ripples.

This is where the "interview" morphed into a full on conversation about where to submit the play, working styles, former roommates, SYTYCD, the Tonys, energy medicine and well - you get the picture. So, imagine yourself sipping the beverage of your choice, relaxing, and enjoying the laughter and vibrant energy of Jennifer Pilong. Let the vibration of her mantra, "I am a creative being here to bring peace, joy, healing and harmony to Mother Earth and all of her inhabitants" ripple over you!

Coffee Creativity Connection

I am so happy that I am following through with the inspiration to interview the many interesting, talented and creative people I know. My life has been enriched in a myriad of ways by them and I know that by sharing their thoughts, words and ideas here they will enrich and inspire many other lives.

After my first interview I can already see that this is also going to be one of those experiences that will return to me a thousand fold. What a wonderful, joyful, unexpected bonus! The interview process gives me the undivided attention of these folks. Given that they are talented and highly creative they are busy and in demand. Although I know, have worked with and socialized with them, we have not had these kinds of conversations that allow me to see more deeply into who they are.

My first interview took place yesterday afternoon. We laughed, talked, laughed, got way off topic, laughed, connected and when we finally came up for air I couldn't believe how much time had passed. I am already planning our next get together. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I know you will enjoy getting to know her, too. She is a singer/songwriter, actress/playwright whose mantra is "I am a creative being here to bring peace, joy, healing and harmony to Mother Earth and all of her inhabitants."

I'm off to transcribe and organize. Look for the interview in a couple of days.

A Voice Unheard

For a while now I've been thinking that my singing days are pretty much behind me. I haven't really sung since Kiss Me Kate last year. I did manage to pull things together a bit for A Midsummer Night's Musical this past Spring but just barely. I began preparing myself for this a couple of years ago - voices don't last forever and it seemed wise to have a back-up plan. Although I do enjoy teaching, I'm like Cassie in a Chorus Line - I don't want to spend my life teaching others what I should be doing myself. I knew there had to be something else. So, I've been experimenting with this transition, doing theatre, painting, spending more time writing poetry. I can't say I've missed singing. I don't wake up thinking, "Today I want to sing!" But, to be honest - I hadn't had that thought in years. YEARS!! I'd wake up and think - "Today I HAVE to sing" because that's what I did EVERY DAY. It's was like breathing - I just did it - I didn't think about it much.

Some days I feel guilty for neglecting what most would view as a gift. Some days I feel sad - like I should be squeezing every last drop out of my voice. But, truthfully, most days I don't think about it at all. It has just slipped away and I figured it was like so many other things that are slipping away from me these days - my hair color, my period, my eyesight, blah, blah,blah! But, then this past Friday, Bruce and I went to see Showboat at another theatre. Not my favorite musical but I noticed that I was breathing with the singers. My body was physically responding to the music as if I was singing. It was completely subconscious. It is what my body does naturally. When someone sang a high note - I realized that I actually had to stop myself from singing out loud - my instinctive impulse is to sing. After the show was over I spent the rest of the night humming and singing to myself.

So, now I wonder, I am really done singing? Did I stop because it was the natural progression of things or did I stop because I am subconsciously sabotaging myself? What is my true desire- to sing or not to sing (that is the question *hee-hee*)? I am so close to it I can't tell right now.

Just 15 Minutes

Once upon a time I was an opera singer. I think a part of me still is. I've had many stops and starts. One re-start occurred in the middle of an abusive relationship. I'd stopped because the drama of the relationship had overwhelmed my life. But, my undying creative heart made me start again.

Although I knew I had to sing, it was also daunting. It was going to take a great deal of work to re-build my technique and I had to re-find my game face in order to start hitting the audition scene again. Frankly, it seemed a little impossible. Luckily, I had a very wise teacher at the time. Without even asking the details of my life, he sensed my mental state. He knew I was staring up a very large hill. He told me that although in the past I'd been practicing for 2-3 hours a day, he didn't want me to do that now. He told me I wasn't in shape enough for that yet. "Just 15 minutes of singing. 15 minutes of absolute concentration. I want you to set your timer and only sing for 15 minutes." So, I did. The next day when I arrived home from my boring, soul killing temp job, I just wanted to flop on the couch and veg-out. Then I thought, "Just 15 minutes. All I have to do is practice for 15 and then I'm done." It flew by. Things continued on in this fashion. Whenever I felt the dread and panic of trying to get back into vocal shape I'd remind myself I had permission to only practice for 15 minutes - then the weight lifted. Soon, I'd be so deep into my practice I wouldn't even hear the timer go off. I started to get excited about singing again, pulling out favorite arias, trying new ones, listening to tapes of past lessons and coachings. My singing-heart was healing and soon I was back in the game.

Several years later after I had my daughter and was in a similar position (BUT for a much happier reason!!) I used the same technique again. When it seemed as if my day was escaping from me I say, "Just 15 minutes, all I have to do is sing for 15 minutes." Some days that would be all I could squeeze in before a diaper needed changing or a cry needed answering. But other days I'd sing for 30 minutes, 45 or the unheard of hour.

I use this little trick on myself all the time now. I frequently have a hard time sitting down to learn lines, I still find it hard to make time to sing, all these little things that are a part of my creative spirit but are also a part of my job. So, I tell myself, "Just 15 minutes" and the weight lifts and 9 times out of 10 I play for much longer.

Digging my Way Out

(i wrote this over a week ago)

Part of what I’m trying to do here is examine my own creative process. It’s especially important to me now because I am trying to dig my way out of a creative abyss and I’m hoping if I make note now of what works and what doesn’t that it will help me in the future. From a performing standpoint, I have been stagnant since my last project which ended in November. I was exhausted on every level at the end of it and I needed a break. I think because I had allowed myself to become completely burnt out - it made it harder than usual to return to the process. Then, of course, the longer I waited the more insurmountable it all started to seem. So, my first lesson would appear to be to not let myself burn out. I knew as it was happening that it was happening and I didn’t take action. I should have taken time off, gone to get a massage, pampered myself in any way I could to help lessen the effect. I’d also given up yoga and meditation because I “didn’t have time.” These are two practices that are beginning to seem imperative to me.
Depleted, inert and out of shape I began rehearsals for A Midsummer Nights Musical. I skipped the first rehearsal because I still wasn’t ready to face the task of starting again. When I did finally get to rehearsal I felt like I was just going through the motions. I couldn’t see myself in the role, I felt nothing. Oddly, during this whole time I had a song that I couldn’t get out of my head. I was a little obsessed with it and couldn’t figure out why. Just yesterday it came to me - although it’s not a song from the show, it’s my Titania’s song. This has happened to me other times in the past when a certain song will represent a pivotal moment in the show to me. The song itself then becomes very important to the development of my character. I’ve learned a long time ago never to revel my secrets otherwise they won’t work for me anymore - so I’ll not name the song!! So, happily, although I didn’t know it, I was already subconsciously working. Finally, I read the play. I wish I could clearly identify what led me to do it. A sense of responsibility? Fear of public humiliation? Creative curiosity? I don’t know. Mostly, I think I just felt like it was my job to read it so I read it. That in turn led me to watch several different versions of the play and then the creative juices started to flow. Ideas started to form about the character and her relationship to the others. Seeing the set helped me, too. Although I was unable to see myself as the character I could see the character on the set and I could see myself on the set. Now after a week of inner work the two have begun to meld together. The “it’s my job” motivator also spurred me to look at the music and the funny thing about music for me is - once I start singing - I start to think creatively. I can’t sing through something through just to learn it. Now, at last, after a week of inner work, reading and re-reading the play, and exploring the music, I have begun the task of physically getting ready. This is the part I wish I would have maintained throughout my hiatus. It would have been so much easier to visualize myself as Titania if I didn’t feel like a fat, stiff, bloated mess. So, this would be another important lesson. Although it is a big pain in the ass, it’s much easier in the long run to keep the instrument in shape.