INNER SECRET

Wreck this Journal Week Four

CHOICES AND REBIRTH

This week I decided to stop tip toeing around wrecking and jump in to really facing some of my places of resistance. I thought I was being very brave when I gessoed over my cover. I liked the cover and I liked the way I had decorated it so I felt a little sad about painting over it. But, I was also secretly thrilled. As crazy as it sounds - it felt daring. After it was gessoed I started to feel excited about the possibilities it opened up.



I quickly re-painted it the next day because I was on my way to the shore and wanted to take it with me. I figured I'd come this far - if I didn't like the way it turned out - I'd just paint over it again.


Once at the shore I kept looking at my journal staring up at me from the sand. A voice said - "Throw it in the ocean - that'll really wreck it." I didn't want to. I knew it WOULD wreck it. The pages would be water-logged, it might get ripped apart, it might be unuseable. I was feeling very attached to my friend, my journal.









MY POOR JOURNAL IN THE OCEAN!!








As I threw the journal in the ocean I felt very free but after I fished it out I felt a little sad. I wished I wouldn't have done it. It felt like a mistake. I spent the next day blow drying and ironing it (yes - I do know how crazy that sounds). I felt like it was just ruined and I didn't want to play anymore. But, I made the CHOICE to go ahead and do it anyway. I made the CHOICE to see what I could do with my waterlogged, taped together, stained and sandy journal. Sometimes things don't go as we plan. Sometimes we make what feel like mistakes. We can either let those moments paralyze us or we can choose to pick our taped-together selves up and see what else might lie ahead.

What I've Done and Re-Done Since The Ocean

5 Things

1. The Bashful Banana is one of my all time favorite restaurants. Everything is healthy and yummy. There are plenty of vegetarian and vegan choices which is great for me and the Banana Whip - delicious!! To top it all off, it's near the ocean. What could be better. Thanks Bashful Banana.

2. I have a card from Eric Maisel's card deck Everyday Creative on my piano at all times. Sometimes I change it everyday and sometimes I leave one on the piano to ponder for several days at a time.

3. I also have a card from Roger Von Oech's Creative Whack Pack on my piano at all times. These cards are GREAT for helping break my patterns of habitual thinking. The 64 cards are divided into four sixteen card suits: Explorer, Artist, Judge, and Warrior. These represent the four roles or types of thinking of the creative process. The cards can be used in several different ways but most often if I'm stuck I pull a card from the deck randomly. Works every time.

4. Susan G. Wooldridge's book, Poemcrazy, is highly motivating. It reminded me of my love of words and inspired me to start writing poetry again because now I see poems in everything.

5. I'm a latecomer to most things blogger and picnik.com is yet another one of those things. I've just started exploring and I love all the fun funky things you can do with photos.

Patterns

I love these patterns in the sand. I took several photos of them. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. They feel like the beginning of something, although I do enjoy them just the way they are.

FOLLOWING THE PATH

GATEWAY

Endings and Beginnings

The Heidi Chronicles is over - for now. We are slated to remount the show in September. I just wanted to make note of a couple of things before they escape my memory.

In one scene my castmate, Joanne, had to eat a breadstick. She was slightly stressed about it. It was a hard scene to start with, her character carried the scene and flitted from topic to topic. It required a great deal of concentration and the whole idea of adding food to the mix was a little overwhelming to Joanne. She solved her problem by taking just the tiniest little nibble of the breadstick. Then one night in performance the worst happened. The breadstick SNAPPED, breadcrumbs flew all over and Joanne was stuck with a mouthful of breadstick. She could have crumbled but because she had done all of her creative homework - it just opened the floodgate - she completely embraced it and suddenly she just relaxed and was able to really settle into the character. It was a great reminder of how facing our fears can open doors.

Like everyone, I frequently question whether I'm good enough to be doing what I'm doing and I wonder if what I'm doing has any relevance. Today we had a tiny, quiet audience but at the end of the show one sweet older woman stood up to give us a standing ovation. And, I thought, "That's enough. If all I did was move one person - that's enough. I'm in the place I am meant to be."

I'm also reminded of how one creative endeavor leads to the next. The cycle continues. Even as Heidi closes, I've been approach by two separate people regarding two very interesting projects. BUT, for now it's time to re-set, restore and re-stock the pond.