Quiet

Success

Today I was having a conversation with a friend about the limitations we put on ourselves without even being aware of our behavior - the mistaken beliefs we still carry around with us despite all the therapy and self-help books. Such as - you can't be successful AND have people like you. You carry that around for awhile (like until you're 46) trying to stay under the radar and keep everyone happy. Then something happens to bring you to the startling realization that you don't really have that much control over what people think. You COULD spend all of your time and energy making sure you're not so successful that you make people uncomfortable or you could just go ahead and live your damn life because no one cares that much anyway!! In fact, you COULD be UNsuccessful, too, by conventional standards and still be happy as a fat old clam. I think that's me - I'm not sure my life would be called "successful" by most. But, you know what? - I do what I love, I have family and friends I love, I'm happy and I have a very rich life. Can I call THAT success and stand in the center of that truth without wavering whenever I run into someone who makes more money than I do, or has won an award or published a book? Could I, for once, stand with my cup overflowing with an embarrassment of riches and NOT say, "Um, her cup looks cooler than mine - I want THAT one."????

Fragmentation

January 14, 2008

It's been quite a while since I've been here. I've been busy with rehearsals trying to apply my new attitude. Today it was hard because we were dancing. In the past, I've tended to constrict - close myself off with thoughts regarding my inadequacy as a dancer. As if my lack of skill isn't enough, I feel I must keep reiterating the point verbally "I'M NOT A DANCER!!" I've been on the receiving end of this kind of mind set and I know how exasperating it is. I always want to say, "Just shut-up and DO IT!! Stop making excuses. You're just wasting time. " So, I said it to myself and tried to keep the demon voices at bay. It worked. I had fun and I caught on much more quickly than I have in the past.



I have two pages gessoed in my art journals but my body is tired. I don't know when I'll get to them. I've been coloring mandalas to stay visually stimulated and spiritually centered. I find mandalas very soothing and I frequently get great ideas about poems, acting choices or even what to make for dinner while I'm coloring. I own several books but I also found a great site that has lots of free mandalas to color. http://www.coloringcastle.com/mandala_coloring_pages.html

Bendings

I called this "Bendings" because I don't know if this is the beginning or the end of this piece. I'm not sure it's finished but what's next still hasn't come to me. So, I'm going to let it sit for a little while. I'm going to bend in the wind, go with the flow (and all those other cliches) and not strive for an answer. Maybe it's just an experiment, something from which to learn and grow. Life is full of experiments. They don't all have to be highlighted and labeled. They are what they are.

ZOINKS

It occurred to me as I drove to rehearsal tonight that as I "stayed open to possibilities" one of the possibilities could be that the director might say, "Do the line like this..." and if he did I could try it to see what might happen without being attached to any desired outcome. ZOINKS! It worked. My ego got out of the way, gone was my needy people pleasing side, I went with it just to see what would happen. Such a small change in perception made a HUGE difference!!

DREAM

Box

They are confident they have me in the box
sealed
labeled
defined
but slowly,
surreptitiously
in the dark
I nibble at the edges
spitting out what I can
but swallowing what I must to remain
inconspicuous
I want to be so far into the light and wild
that when they discover
my escape
there will be no chance of
recapture
In their hands they'll hold
their righteous indignation
and an empty box
in mine I shall hold
MY LIFE

Expose Your Roots

TRYING

Hard to remain open to possibilities when you have a director actually say to you, "Say the line like this." I know directors do this sometimes just to expedite the process but once it happens I find I'm almost immediately pulled back into that black hole of trying to please the director and MAKE something happen. It wasn't until I was in the car on my way back home that I slowed down enough for it occur to me that after I'd delivered what the director wanted, I could have put my focus back on the other actor, the energy in the room - ANYTHING - and remained open to the possibilities. So simple and yet so hard!

Want II

Pebble

ordinary

I fix my eye on it

as the tide fights to take it back

rain on my face, waves wash into my boots

dozens of others tumble by

but, still, I must have THIS

white, ocean kissed

pebble

WANT

I've had two little serendipitous moments while reading recently that have caused me to re-evaluate my approach to creativity. I was perusing one of my favorite catalogs (Isabella) and came across a book that intrigued me, The Trance of Scarcity by Victoria Castle. I haven't read it yet but it's about the myths of "lack" and "not good enough" that pervade our culture. Later, I was reading The Viewpoints Book by Anne Bogart and Tina Landau. I'll quote a little here: "In a culture governed by commodities, consumption and the glorification of the individual, we are taught to target what we want and then find a way to get it...like a hunter after prey, our vision is narrowed down to a preconceived series of possibilities."

It's got me thinking about how my of my time and energy is given over to pursuing what I want. I evaluate my creative work by how successfully I've manifested what I "wanted." Does that photograph capture what I wanted to say, am I satisfied with this poem - is it what I wanted, did I give the director what he wanted...! Think of the rich possibilities I haven't even noticed because I was so focused on what I wanted. What a relief it would be to put down all that DESIRE and just see what's here now in this moment.

There is such beauty in fragility

I'm creating this blog in an effort to be more authentically myself. If I post who I am and what I think - there's no denying it, altering it, softening it to suit the situation. I don't think that anyone else will find this even remotely interesting. That's not my purpose. My purpose is to be who I am here - out in the open for anyone to see. To stand in that truth and say, "It's enough, it's OK"