Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Voice Unheard

For a while now I've been thinking that my singing days are pretty much behind me. I haven't really sung since Kiss Me Kate last year. I did manage to pull things together a bit for A Midsummer Night's Musical this past Spring but just barely. I began preparing myself for this a couple of years ago - voices don't last forever and it seemed wise to have a back-up plan. Although I do enjoy teaching, I'm like Cassie in a Chorus Line - I don't want to spend my life teaching others what I should be doing myself. I knew there had to be something else. So, I've been experimenting with this transition, doing theatre, painting, spending more time writing poetry. I can't say I've missed singing. I don't wake up thinking, "Today I want to sing!" But, to be honest - I hadn't had that thought in years. YEARS!! I'd wake up and think - "Today I HAVE to sing" because that's what I did EVERY DAY. It's was like breathing - I just did it - I didn't think about it much.

Some days I feel guilty for neglecting what most would view as a gift. Some days I feel sad - like I should be squeezing every last drop out of my voice. But, truthfully, most days I don't think about it at all. It has just slipped away and I figured it was like so many other things that are slipping away from me these days - my hair color, my period, my eyesight, blah, blah,blah! But, then this past Friday, Bruce and I went to see Showboat at another theatre. Not my favorite musical but I noticed that I was breathing with the singers. My body was physically responding to the music as if I was singing. It was completely subconscious. It is what my body does naturally. When someone sang a high note - I realized that I actually had to stop myself from singing out loud - my instinctive impulse is to sing. After the show was over I spent the rest of the night humming and singing to myself.

So, now I wonder, I am really done singing? Did I stop because it was the natural progression of things or did I stop because I am subconsciously sabotaging myself? What is my true desire- to sing or not to sing (that is the question *hee-hee*)? I am so close to it I can't tell right now.

3 comments:

Hybrid J said...

I'm absolutely loving your post ...

Your wrote: "What is my true desire- to sing or not to sing (that is the question *hee-hee*)? I am so close to it I can't tell right now."

This is really a hard one to answer. I won't say I could give you any advice, as lately I have a very strong suspicious that I'm going through some thing similar. I'm not ready to write it in my blog yet as I'm kind of confused.

All I could say to you at this stage is to be patient with yourself and Your Self. The Wise Woman inside of us will let us know.

I hope I didn't confuse you more ...

Have a lovely day! :)

Kim said...

Nope - you didn't confuse me - I get it! :) Thanks! I'll be interested to hear what conclusions you come to for yourself.

Leeanne said...

Your voice is so beautiful in countless ways...singing as just one...you sing through friendship and sisterhood...I hear the sweet harmony of your gift even as we speak on the phone...your voice still sings, even if it is not in the traditional mode of which you are used to...

I've actually missed singing. I do not have nearly the gift and voice you have, dear Moon Sister, but you helped me find joy in so many ways as I sought to open the music within my soul a time ago...I miss the soft release of sound, and the peace it brought me when I was not consumed with self-doubt or stage fright...there are moments I remember of the bliss found through singing..and I miss the feeling...so I've been singing quietly when I feel the urge to connect with my heart song...and I thank you for the times we shared together as I walked the journey of finding my voice...those times are helping me now...

Sing on, Sweet Sister:)

Love you,
Leeanne

My own little place to explore my creativity and imagination